what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
