Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
