apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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