my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize