SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
