I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
