why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
