If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
