His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
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Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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