Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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