i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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