: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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