He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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