Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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