My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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