I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
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