I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
