I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
