The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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