You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
