The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
