i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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