You can't special order awesome
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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