I heard we made out
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
pray to the hookup gods
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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