Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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