What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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