oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
