This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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