as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
