My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
