I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
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...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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