He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
