my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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