adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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