I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
