I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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