he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
