Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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