i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
