Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Randomize
