I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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