I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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