around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
