good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
