I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
