So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize