My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
