you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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