She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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