i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
