We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
