You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
