dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
