Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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