when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
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Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
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Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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