i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
