Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
